It’s been hard, as always, but it looks like I’ve arrived at yet another milestone in my life’s journey. As I said in my post about being a Christian blogger... the path to my works for God is clear: I’m going to have my new ministry at OnlineBibles.net. I’m excited about this, of course; it gives my life meaning and purpose, and I know that right now and in the foreseeable future, I am exactly where God wants me to be.
Yes, there’s still a lot of work to do before OnlineBibles.net becomes a real ministry, but just knowing where I’ve been truly heading all this time is making a big difference. For one thing, my church’s rejection of me and my blogging doesn’t hurt that much anymore. I believe that it had its purpose in making me a better man for what God has called me to do, and that someday I will reap the harvest of good things that will come out of it. For another, I am determined, if not entirely eager, to continue doing the preparations that must be done, so that I can fruitfully spend the rest of my life serving God.
However, there are two things I’ve realized while I was making plans the other day. First, the sense of urgency has greatly lessened now that I’ve reached this milestone. That is, I feel that I don’t need to hurry much anymore — in my works and in my studies — because I’ve already arrived in this place. And second, even though my hopes are now pinned on OnlineBibles.net, my circumstances are still very much the same as when I closed down Swordsman of the Word some months ago. That is, my life is still unsettled, and still broken. And so, even if I want to, I just can’t “do ministry” right now. I had decided that I won’t take up that burden again, not until my life has been rebuilt, and I finally have the resources.
This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, I know. A church should back me up, support me. And that was exactly my hope with my last church, but much to my disappointment and pain, it didn’t happen. Instead, I was judged, ignored, and betrayed. And so here I am, badly burned, and deeply wary now of the Church. I don’t know if I would ever trust another Christian leader again, except as an equal.
I’ve sacrificed so much following God all these fifteen years — my career, my family, my social life, my future — so that I can be where I am now. I don’t know if there is another person who can really understand me and the things I’ve done — understand me, and not judge me, but see my actions as expressions of my love. The truth is, I have wanted stability in my life for a long, long time, but there was nothing I could do on my own. My life belongs to God, and all I can ever do is to follow him, wherever and however he leads me.
I’ve been telling God that I am so tired, and that I cannot do this alone anymore. So tired of working for him with very little visible returns. And so tired of dreaming about love and friendships, but with me always ending up losing. Yes, I know that, as long as I’m obedient to him, my works for God are not in vain and have eternal rewards. I also know that God determines the people who are and will be present in my life. He will give me the love and friendships I need – in his time. And yet… tired is tired. I’m only just human, after all. I age. I get sick. I get discouraged. And I only have a very limited number of years to live here on earth.
The fact is, I’m not young anymore; the best years of my youth have already passed me by, sacrificed in God’s altar. I am middle aged, nearly forty; still single, and still struggling financially. My health has also started to decline. And I’ve been thinking that, with this milestone reached and the sense of urgency diminished, perhaps the time has come for me to finally settle down. To consolidate my works. Make stronger my ministry preparations, esp. my studies. Find a good job. And find love, maybe. Have a semblance of a normal life. The kind of life that so many people take for granted.
Of course, all these things are subject to God’s approval. Perhaps I’m wrong in my thinking that God wants me to settle down now. Perhaps he has other plans for me that I could not yet see, or that I’m not yet ready to see. But if he does approve, then he will open doors for me. Yes, my Father will help me, and provide for me. And that is my hope.